From university on
- I was attracted to a romanian girl who added me on Skype. We first called each other through skype. I was attracted to her even before she showed me her picture. Maybe it was because I was very lonely at that time, but I enjoyed talking to her a lot. She was a special open-minded girl.
- I was also attracted to a Korean girl. She used to be surrounded by people, mostly boys. She was very talkative (like most girls I'm attracted to). I think one of my best friends and flatmate had a thing for her, and that's one of the reason I did not try, besides me not being brave enough and her being surrounded by other boys all the time.
- One morning, after a wet dream, I ejaculated while I was sleeping next to my mother at a hotel in Tin Shui Wai, Hong Kong. I quietly stood up and went to the toilet to clean the mess.
- For ages I haven’t expressed my feelings in front of my parents. I know something is wrong with me. I sometimes even purposely hide my feelings in front of girls that attract me.
Not too sure about the purpose of this blog. Perhaps I wanted to show other 華僑 my own experience and let them compare with theirs. Or maybe to let off steam as an anonymous blogger, being the dishonest weak coward that I am in real life.
jeudi 3 mars 2011
Journal copy-paste (part 3)
Around the beginning of secondary school
- My sister once noticed I was watching porn on the computer. I tried to cover the screen with my hands but it was too late. She said she would tell our parents about it, but I guess she did not.
- My parents cried for two months at least after my brother passed away during the bathroom accident. My sister and him were both taking a bath when the gas coming out of the boiler made them fall asleep. My sister was lucky not to drown, but at that time I wished my brother was the one who survived.
-Once, at Chinese School, I threw some food at one of my classmates, one of the regularly bullied outcast, just to show off and have a laugh. I feel shame whenever I think about this again.
- I started jerking off for the first time when I was in my bed in my parents’ take away. It was a really nice feeling though I didn’t like to clean up the mess ( and I still don’t ).
- Sometimes I had dreams where I’m raping a girl who usually does not exist in real life. It’s a nice feeling within the dream but not a very nice one when I wake up.
- Once, while I was jerking off, my father came into my room to talk to me about something. Luckily he did not notice as I was covering it up with one hand while trying to act normal.
- I also thought another girl, Br., who was quite attractive as well, when I was in my first year at secondary school. I even listened to romantic Chinese songs while thinking about her.
- Once I think I really fell in love with Anel who one of my best friends. I couldn’t stand seeing someone hug her, not because I was jealous but because I wished so badly to do the same.
- When I worked in California Red in HK, I fell in love with a girl. That was probably my biggest crush, because I was depressed for a few months after I left Hong Kong. I gathered all my bravery to give her a present. It was scarier than those rides in Disneyland.
- My sister once noticed I was watching porn on the computer. I tried to cover the screen with my hands but it was too late. She said she would tell our parents about it, but I guess she did not.
- My parents cried for two months at least after my brother passed away during the bathroom accident. My sister and him were both taking a bath when the gas coming out of the boiler made them fall asleep. My sister was lucky not to drown, but at that time I wished my brother was the one who survived.
-Once, at Chinese School, I threw some food at one of my classmates, one of the regularly bullied outcast, just to show off and have a laugh. I feel shame whenever I think about this again.
- I started jerking off for the first time when I was in my bed in my parents’ take away. It was a really nice feeling though I didn’t like to clean up the mess ( and I still don’t ).
- Sometimes I had dreams where I’m raping a girl who usually does not exist in real life. It’s a nice feeling within the dream but not a very nice one when I wake up.
- Once, while I was jerking off, my father came into my room to talk to me about something. Luckily he did not notice as I was covering it up with one hand while trying to act normal.
- I also thought another girl, Br., who was quite attractive as well, when I was in my first year at secondary school. I even listened to romantic Chinese songs while thinking about her.
- Once I think I really fell in love with Anel who one of my best friends. I couldn’t stand seeing someone hug her, not because I was jealous but because I wished so badly to do the same.
- When I worked in California Red in HK, I fell in love with a girl. That was probably my biggest crush, because I was depressed for a few months after I left Hong Kong. I gathered all my bravery to give her a present. It was scarier than those rides in Disneyland.
mardi 1 mars 2011
Journal copy-paste (part 2)
Arrival in Belgium, primary school
-When I first went to Chinese school on saturday, I thought this place was like hell. The place was ugly, and the children were disrespectful to one another. Once, a few boys were accusing me of stealing their food for no reason.
- My first Belgian school was also like hell. Children liked to make fun of Asians. Sometimes they were coming to me as a group and I scared. I think I went a little paranoid.
- Once, when I was in the hospital due to a back problem. I was lying on a bed when a doctor and a female nurse came to me. One of them was a female. She asked me if I was ok. I think I didn’t say anything or if I did, it was not very loud or clear. As a response, she smiled and pull down my trousers and looked at my penis. I did not think I cared much about it back then, but now i'm asking myself questions about her behaviour. I think the doctor frowned at her.
- When I moved to my second primary school Don Bosco, I kicked on a boy’s tibia after he asked me how I was doing. I thought he was laughing at me. I probably got paranoid after all the bullying I got from my previous school.
- When I was living in Zaventem, my uncle used to bring his son and her daughter along to our house. We used to have fun and I expected them to come every week. When they didn’t, I was really sad.
- My father used to make us write so that our handwriting would improved. It was one of the most fucking boring activities we had to do. Sometimes, we were so impatient we thought about ways of cheating, such as taking sheets of papers that had more space between lines.
- Once we had a rogue cat staying in our garden. Me, my brother and my sister were very happy about it. One evening, Mum cooked made fish, so we gave it a piece of it. One morning, we gave it a bowl of corn flakes and milk. Can’t remember if the cat ate it or not.
- Jeremy and Lorenzo were two of my first best friends when I went to Don Bosco.
- Once Jeremy was kissing a girl in the toilets. Lorenzo and I were nearby, guarding the entrance and checking no one else was coming. The kiss lasted for a split second. I immediately went crazy and and yelled something like “I’m gonnat tell this to anybody!!”. Then I went out and told my classmates about it. I remember I was surprised Jeremy didn’t stop me and just looked at me running away. This is probably one of the many reasons why Jeremy did not want to be my friend anymore, and now that I think about it, he was right.
- In Don Bosco, I once cut Vince’s jumper with a scissor. One of the girl (her name was Aurelie, I’m astonished by the fact I still remember her name) told the teacher what I have done. The teacher was Madam Defosse if I remember well. She said she would talk to my father about it. When the classes were over, my father came to pick up me, my sister and my brother. I went first to my father’s car and pretended nothing happened while he was looking for my brother and sister. But when he came back from Val Duchess, he already knew about it. I was so scared I said Vincent cut my ruler. They asked me to bring the ruler. When I went in the classroom, I broke the ruler with my hands. Of course they didn’t believe Vincent broke the ruler with a scissor. I then couldn't help but cry.
- I hated my sister so much I once set up home alone-inspired traps to hurt her. I spread glue on the stairs hoping her feet would be glued ot the stairs. It turned out it was my father who fell into the trap instead. Unlike what I was expecting, he nearly slipped and fell down the stairs. Another time (or maybe it was at the same time), I placed sewing needles inside her coat. Again, someone else fell into it. This time it was my brother. He was crying. I told him that if he did not tell father, I would give him 500 francs (12 euros). He didn’t listen to me as he was in pain, and immediately ran to my parents.
- My brother and my sister had an accident one shiny afternoon. My mother and I were driving back home. We saw a lot of people gathered in front of our home. My mother collapsed when she heard of the news. I thought she was acting. Why was I thinking that? My sister was safe but we learnt on the next day that my brother passed away. I couldn’t believe it. I hated my sister and I loved my brother, but she was the one that survived.
- During our first Chinese school summer trip, my siblings and I were often playing with a girl which I found very attractive. My elder cousin probably noticed it because he shouted "he likes you" loud in front of her. At that moment, I went creeping and hiding behind chairs like an idiot.
- During another Chinese school summer trip, there was another girl which I was constantly staring at. Once, we played badminton 2 versus 2 when she was in my team. I accidently hit her with the racket.
-When I first went to Chinese school on saturday, I thought this place was like hell. The place was ugly, and the children were disrespectful to one another. Once, a few boys were accusing me of stealing their food for no reason.
- My first Belgian school was also like hell. Children liked to make fun of Asians. Sometimes they were coming to me as a group and I scared. I think I went a little paranoid.
- Once, when I was in the hospital due to a back problem. I was lying on a bed when a doctor and a female nurse came to me. One of them was a female. She asked me if I was ok. I think I didn’t say anything or if I did, it was not very loud or clear. As a response, she smiled and pull down my trousers and looked at my penis. I did not think I cared much about it back then, but now i'm asking myself questions about her behaviour. I think the doctor frowned at her.
- When I moved to my second primary school Don Bosco, I kicked on a boy’s tibia after he asked me how I was doing. I thought he was laughing at me. I probably got paranoid after all the bullying I got from my previous school.
- When I was living in Zaventem, my uncle used to bring his son and her daughter along to our house. We used to have fun and I expected them to come every week. When they didn’t, I was really sad.
- My father used to make us write so that our handwriting would improved. It was one of the most fucking boring activities we had to do. Sometimes, we were so impatient we thought about ways of cheating, such as taking sheets of papers that had more space between lines.
- Once we had a rogue cat staying in our garden. Me, my brother and my sister were very happy about it. One evening, Mum cooked made fish, so we gave it a piece of it. One morning, we gave it a bowl of corn flakes and milk. Can’t remember if the cat ate it or not.
- Jeremy and Lorenzo were two of my first best friends when I went to Don Bosco.
- Once Jeremy was kissing a girl in the toilets. Lorenzo and I were nearby, guarding the entrance and checking no one else was coming. The kiss lasted for a split second. I immediately went crazy and and yelled something like “I’m gonnat tell this to anybody!!”. Then I went out and told my classmates about it. I remember I was surprised Jeremy didn’t stop me and just looked at me running away. This is probably one of the many reasons why Jeremy did not want to be my friend anymore, and now that I think about it, he was right.
- In Don Bosco, I once cut Vince’s jumper with a scissor. One of the girl (her name was Aurelie, I’m astonished by the fact I still remember her name) told the teacher what I have done. The teacher was Madam Defosse if I remember well. She said she would talk to my father about it. When the classes were over, my father came to pick up me, my sister and my brother. I went first to my father’s car and pretended nothing happened while he was looking for my brother and sister. But when he came back from Val Duchess, he already knew about it. I was so scared I said Vincent cut my ruler. They asked me to bring the ruler. When I went in the classroom, I broke the ruler with my hands. Of course they didn’t believe Vincent broke the ruler with a scissor. I then couldn't help but cry.
- I hated my sister so much I once set up home alone-inspired traps to hurt her. I spread glue on the stairs hoping her feet would be glued ot the stairs. It turned out it was my father who fell into the trap instead. Unlike what I was expecting, he nearly slipped and fell down the stairs. Another time (or maybe it was at the same time), I placed sewing needles inside her coat. Again, someone else fell into it. This time it was my brother. He was crying. I told him that if he did not tell father, I would give him 500 francs (12 euros). He didn’t listen to me as he was in pain, and immediately ran to my parents.
- My brother and my sister had an accident one shiny afternoon. My mother and I were driving back home. We saw a lot of people gathered in front of our home. My mother collapsed when she heard of the news. I thought she was acting. Why was I thinking that? My sister was safe but we learnt on the next day that my brother passed away. I couldn’t believe it. I hated my sister and I loved my brother, but she was the one that survived.
- During our first Chinese school summer trip, my siblings and I were often playing with a girl which I found very attractive. My elder cousin probably noticed it because he shouted "he likes you" loud in front of her. At that moment, I went creeping and hiding behind chairs like an idiot.
- During another Chinese school summer trip, there was another girl which I was constantly staring at. Once, we played badminton 2 versus 2 when she was in my team. I accidently hit her with the racket.
lundi 28 février 2011
Journal copy-paste (part 1)
Childhood in London
One day, when I was playing with my brother and sister, I noticed my mother was crying on the sofa, but I did not know why, and I did not bother to ask. I later guessed it was because of money problems.
Robocop was one my first film. I was a bit shocked by the violence, especially when one of the bad guys got soaked with acid then crushed by a car.
When I first had ham, I thought it was the tastiest thing in the world.
Laputa Castle in the Sky was one of my first films.
When my mother accompanied me to the nursery school for the first time, I was freaked out when she suddenly disappeared. I was also upset because she lied to me, saying she would stay.
I used to draw dinosaurs because they look huge and cool. My nursery teacher said my drawings were ‘fantastic’ and that probably encouraged me to carry on…
My father sometimes said ‘I don’t mean to hurt you’ after he hit me with a stick when I did not behave. He said those words when he saw me cry.
My mother once built a big house with some kind of lego blocks. It was as tall as me and I thought it was fantastic. I was disappointed when it disappeared the day after.
I had recurring dreams which I thought were happening for real. I was leaping from the top of the stairs all the way downstairs without getting hurt. I even ended up believing I could fall from very high up without getting hurt in real life.
Once, my sister got a hydrogen balloon. I was jealous and also wanted one. It floated in the air, it looked so cool. My mother said she would buy one for me later, but I didn’t believe her, so I bursted my sister’s balloon.
I loved to play with Hwong, whom I considered as my best friend when I was in London. After we were seperated for many years, he seemed to have completely changed when we met again and we weren’t nearly as close as we used to be anymore.
Once, my mother said one of my friends had great handwriting and I think i got jealous. She kept comparing me to other people for the rest of my life, and I don’t think it helped with my self-confidence. The irony of this is that my parents sometimes tell me to ‘have some self-confidence!’.
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