Journal copy-paste (part 3)

Around the beginning of secondary school

- My sister once noticed I was watching porn on the computer. I tried to cover the screen with my hands but it was too late. She said she would tell our parents about it, but I guess she did not.

- My parents cried for two months at least after my brother passed away during the bathroom accident. My sister and him were both taking a bath when the gas coming out of the boiler made them fall asleep. My sister was lucky not to drown, but at that time I wished my brother was the one who survived.

-Once, at Chinese School, I threw some food at one of my classmates, one of the regularly bullied outcast, just to show off and have a laugh. I feel shame whenever I think about this again.

- I started jerking off for the first time when I was in my bed in my parents’ take away. It was a really nice feeling though I didn’t like to clean up the mess ( and I still don’t ).

- Sometimes I had dreams where I’m raping a girl who usually does not exist in real life. It’s a nice feeling within the dream but not a very nice one when I wake up.

- Once, while I was jerking off, my father came into my room to talk to me about something. Luckily he did not notice as I was covering it up with one hand while trying to act normal.

- I also thought another girl, Br.,  who was quite attractive as well, when I was in my first year at secondary school. I even listened to romantic Chinese songs while thinking about her.

- Once I think I really fell in love with Anel who one of my best friends. I couldn’t stand seeing someone hug her, not because I was jealous but because I wished so badly to do the same.

- When I worked in California Red in HK, I fell in love with a girl. That was probably my biggest crush, because I was depressed for a few months after I left Hong Kong. I gathered all my bravery to give her a present. It was scarier than those rides in Disneyland.