usb cable

So last evening I broke into tears and I put a usb cable around my neck and looked for some support where I could attach the other end. But I could not find one. Or maybe I was not really determined to do it.

I felt very useless. And sorry. Made so many mistakes over my life and told so many lies. Lies after lies after lies as Walter White said.

Earlier on the same day, I hung out with an ex-employee from my current workplace. She told me that I must talk about the problems I am having with my colleagues to my boss' wife. She's like a tiger, unlike me. I really enjoyed her company, to the point where I felt miserable when I came back home.

I wanted to see her again, but was afraid to seem too needy and scare her away. This was one reason why I got depressed. The second reason  is that I made another mess at work, which I was supposed to fix over the weekend. When I noticed my colleague's call on my mobile, I did not answer out of fear or stress. I then considered quitting the job straight away. I imagined the consequences of this decision. That's when I broke down and looked for the nearest cable.

Luckily my depression toned down over the evening. I realized there were many things I still wanted to do in my life. I have just bought a PS2, and it would be a bad joke to die when I have not even played anything on it yet.

mess

So... I got this issue with a tap that I need fixed by one of our suppliers. This is one of my source of stress and misery. The supplier already sent engineers to fix it many times but it is still not working properly.
Still thinking about quitting. Gotta pull myself up and find a job asap.

journaling

So... got this book from a friend about meditation and how it can help with ... basically happiness. I guess. Different practises are discussed amongst which meditation of course, journaling, body scanning, thoughts of compassion, etc.

Gonna attempt journaling right now:

What I feel right now is that I am a little bit depressed that I have to get back to work tomorrow after coming back from Belgium & celebrating Chinese new year. Although I do not feel nearly as down as I was in January.

What motivates me... Tough question...The urge to become rich?

At this point I already struggle to continue this exercise.

Stopping for now.