usb cable

So last evening I broke into tears and I put a usb cable around my neck and looked for some support where I could attach the other end. But I could not find one. Or maybe I was not really determined to do it.

I felt very useless. And sorry. Made so many mistakes over my life and told so many lies. Lies after lies after lies as Walter White said.

Earlier on the same day, I hung out with an ex-employee from my current workplace. She told me that I must talk about the problems I am having with my colleagues to my boss' wife. She's like a tiger, unlike me. I really enjoyed her company, to the point where I felt miserable when I came back home.

I wanted to see her again, but was afraid to seem too needy and scare her away. This was one reason why I got depressed. The second reason  is that I made another mess at work, which I was supposed to fix over the weekend. When I noticed my colleague's call on my mobile, I did not answer out of fear or stress. I then considered quitting the job straight away. I imagined the consequences of this decision. That's when I broke down and looked for the nearest cable.

Luckily my depression toned down over the evening. I realized there were many things I still wanted to do in my life. I have just bought a PS2, and it would be a bad joke to die when I have not even played anything on it yet.

mess

So... I got this issue with a tap that I need fixed by one of our suppliers. This is one of my source of stress and misery. The supplier already sent engineers to fix it many times but it is still not working properly.
Still thinking about quitting. Gotta pull myself up and find a job asap.

journaling

So... got this book from a friend about meditation and how it can help with ... basically happiness. I guess. Different practises are discussed amongst which meditation of course, journaling, body scanning, thoughts of compassion, etc.

Gonna attempt journaling right now:

What I feel right now is that I am a little bit depressed that I have to get back to work tomorrow after coming back from Belgium & celebrating Chinese new year. Although I do not feel nearly as down as I was in January.

What motivates me... Tough question...The urge to become rich?

At this point I already struggle to continue this exercise.

Stopping for now.

In Manchester

Got a job in Manchester thanks to a friend. At first it almost seemed like a dream job. I got to move to another city and I was told I could do whatever makes me happy. But it soon often turned out to be quite a pain, due to my poor performance, which is mainly because of:

- my bad memory
- my struggle to understand the tasks given by my collegues/manager
- my struggle to communicate in English/Cantonese
- my non-resistance to stress
- my lack of experience in some of the used softwares

I hope all of these problems will get better over the next few months by me getting better, otherwise I am going to look another job here. If not I'm afraid I'll end up in prison for stabbing my manager with a pair of scissors.

Looking for a Job, To The Moon.

I'm pretty much a mess right now. I quit my job at Frit Flagey, because I thought I would spend more time looking for a more suitable job to my parents, but I end up wasting my time on games and films all day long. Its unbelievable how much effort it takes to push oneself to do something when already in a state of inactivity.

Game wise, I have just finished To The Moon. Gameplay was god aweful, but storywise there was some nice surprise here and there towards the end. I liked the idea of travelling further and further into the past of this dying old man.

Journal copy-paste (part 4)

From university on

- I was attracted to a romanian girl who added me on Skype. We first called each other through skype. I was attracted to her even before she showed me her picture. Maybe it was because I was very lonely at that time, but I enjoyed talking to her a lot. She was a special open-minded girl.

- I was also attracted to a Korean girl. She used to be surrounded by people, mostly boys. She was very talkative (like most girls I'm attracted to). I think one of my best friends and flatmate had a thing for her, and that's one of the reason I did not try, besides me not being brave enough and her being surrounded by other boys all the time.

- One morning, after a wet dream, I ejaculated while I was sleeping next to my mother at a hotel in Tin Shui Wai, Hong Kong. I quietly stood up and went to the toilet to clean the mess.

- For ages I haven’t expressed my feelings in front of my parents. I know something is wrong with me. I sometimes even purposely hide my feelings in front of girls that attract me.

Journal copy-paste (part 3)

Around the beginning of secondary school

- My sister once noticed I was watching porn on the computer. I tried to cover the screen with my hands but it was too late. She said she would tell our parents about it, but I guess she did not.

- My parents cried for two months at least after my brother passed away during the bathroom accident. My sister and him were both taking a bath when the gas coming out of the boiler made them fall asleep. My sister was lucky not to drown, but at that time I wished my brother was the one who survived.

-Once, at Chinese School, I threw some food at one of my classmates, one of the regularly bullied outcast, just to show off and have a laugh. I feel shame whenever I think about this again.

- I started jerking off for the first time when I was in my bed in my parents’ take away. It was a really nice feeling though I didn’t like to clean up the mess ( and I still don’t ).

- Sometimes I had dreams where I’m raping a girl who usually does not exist in real life. It’s a nice feeling within the dream but not a very nice one when I wake up.

- Once, while I was jerking off, my father came into my room to talk to me about something. Luckily he did not notice as I was covering it up with one hand while trying to act normal.

- I also thought another girl, Br.,  who was quite attractive as well, when I was in my first year at secondary school. I even listened to romantic Chinese songs while thinking about her.

- Once I think I really fell in love with Anel who one of my best friends. I couldn’t stand seeing someone hug her, not because I was jealous but because I wished so badly to do the same.

- When I worked in California Red in HK, I fell in love with a girl. That was probably my biggest crush, because I was depressed for a few months after I left Hong Kong. I gathered all my bravery to give her a present. It was scarier than those rides in Disneyland.